C&J Take A Cheap Shot

Well, well, well. Another one bites the dust. If you don’t know, that’s the lying, stupid face of now-retired New York Congressman Christopher Lee (R)*. According to a story someone read to us on MSNBC.com, Chris had to quit his job because he sent some topless pics to some chick on craigslist in response to a dating ad. Dang, Chris. You’re dumber than a gunny sack full of Texans.

Now it’s no secret that it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to be a Congressman, but even the greenest of rookie doosh noobs understands the do’s and don’t's of taking shirtless or otherwise sexy pics. Since Chris doesn’t seem to know, here are a few, free of charge:

DO: Look extremely good shirtless. Not sure why this has to be explained. Sure, there are guys who look worse than Chris shirtless, but he’s still no 1,000yr old Nordic viking vampire. Ohhh, Eric…

DON’T: Assume that everyone wants to see your fucked-up, psychosis-induced tattoos. They don’t. Also, bad news: tattoos are officially OVER.

DO: Make sure you clear the background before snapping your pic. Sometimes you miss something, and you don’t realize it until it wakes you up in the middle of the night, breathing heavily on the inside of your thigh.

DON’T: Hold back! Just be yourself, and let your sexy spirit run free! If that means doing something as weird as this guy, then by all means – fuckin’ do that. I’ve found that whatever feels right to you is usually right, regardless of how the screaming person under you seems to feel. Jeez, just shut up already – this is a photo shoot for cryin’ out loud!

So there you go, Christopher Lee. Just a few tips to keep you out of further trouble. I guess once you’ve left Congress in disgrace, trouble is just something to do between spanking it on ChatRoulette and reruns of Two and a Half Men. Hopefully this experience will prevent you from being a hypocritical assbucket in the future. Our only solace is that we fucking know this shit is going to come up in the background check for your interview at Office Depot. That’s probably good enough for now.

*  -  Sure, that’s his face, but that’s not the pic he allegedly sent to some craigslist slut. We’re not really sure what the above pic is from. We like, “found it” somewhere.

-C&J

ALMOST FORGOT

With the advent of Glenn Beck, we almost forgot what a fucking dick Bill O’Reilly is. This helped remind us. Keep in mind he’s speaking to the President of the United States. Imagine how he speaks to the hired help. In Bill’s defense though, most of his hired help is the same race as the president. Also, it’s the longest Bill sits across from an African-American without dropping the “N” bomb.

- C&J

 

Best Thing You’re Looking At Right Now

He says his new glasses “react to cold”, but I’m pretty sure they only react to the fear of young boys.

Calm Your Frozen Ass Down

We live in Oklahoma City which is currently whiter than normal because it’s covered in snow. Every time there is a snow storm on the horizon, the fine people of our city freak the fuck out. Always. This is evident by the rush made on grocery stores. People wipe the shelves clean of any and every perishable food item imaginable. It’s as though people feel snow=apocalypse and in a post apocalyptic world bread and milk will be used as currency. “I better get seven loaves of bread and ten gallons of milk! Milk sandwiches are the way of the damn future!” Carb loving morons, the lot of them.

The worst thing about pointing out snow provoked paranoia is we’re the ones looked at as fools. “You just don’t get it man.” No. I do get it. I get the worst thing that will happen is I might lose my cable or internet for a couple of days. It’s not snowing acid. It’s snow. Not even ice. Snow. Snow will make travel difficult but it’ll be melted in a few days. I don’t need to gear up my car as though I was travelling to Mars. I don’t need more food than I’ll eat in a month in my house. I don’t need to deck my house out as though the snow will magically morph into a blood thirsty monster who can only be defeated with loaves of bread and flashlights. Sure, it’s good to be prepared for an emergency, but you can be TOO prepared. Best case scenario is you get a couple days off to chill at home. Worst case scenario, Netflix Instant won’t have the movie you want to watch. So you wait awhile to watch The Wire. It’ll be ok. I promise.

If it isn’t ok, I’m fucked because I’ve got no flashlights or milk sandwiches to barter my way out of being gang raped by post apocalyptic snow zombies. If that does happen, boy am I gonna feel stupid.

Until that happens, calm the fuck down and enjoy a couple days off.

Also, we don’t need anymore of the following on Facebook -

• Pictures/videos of your pet in snow. We get it. Mr. Ranger Pants loves to frolic in snow.
• Same for kids. Hilarious. Your kid loves snow. That’s as entertaining as watching a kid play in snow.
• Pictures from your doorway. Yep. It snowed. It’s deep. Cool.
• People touting Glee as the greatest thing ever. It’s not good. It’s not snow related, but we don’t need anymore of it.

Keep warm!

- C&J

An Uninformed Opinion

Hi, kids. I know it’s been a while since we’ve “blogged” for you – we’ve posted the occasional odd picture with a “clever” quip, but we really haven’t had anything of substance to say for quite a while. Well, that changes today with a brand new look for the blog and a brand new category to boot! You wouldn’t even have noticed, huh? This is just for us, more or less. Oh, also..hey Joel, give me a call about tonight when you read this. They say the weather is supposed to get pretty shitty. Who knows, right? Hahahaha…ok, later – and don’t forget to watch out for Randy!

To kick off “An Uninformed Opinion”, we figured there’s no hotter topic right now than the protests currently tearing Egypt a new Sphynx-hole.  This is going to sound contrived, but I (Chad!) honestly have no fucking idea what’s going on in Cairo. I don’t read news. Is it still like this? ‘Cuz that doesn’t seem bad at all! I did see a headline that made me think they’re protesting over…maybe…food prices/unemployment/being poor and mistreated. Is that even close? Wait, did Egypt also disconnect the fucking internet?? Well no matter, since this is the all-new An Uninformed Opinion…

So, like…what the fuck, Egypt? Actually, you know what? My absolute, #1 gut-reaction to this was: Hey, what the fuck America!? When I skimmed a post that maybe stated that these folks are rising up in the streets over unemployment and poverty and a basic distrust of their government, I had a pang of anger right behind my eyeballs: Does any of that sound familiar? I know what you’re thinking: “You’re a dick, Chad. Do you have any idea what the people of Egypt have been through? To compare the cushy, materialist, freedom-having life of the “average” American to theirs is a downright insult to these brave humans!” – and you’d be partially right: the “human” part.

But I don’t give a shit. Did you not read the title of this waste of time? This is not a respected, legitimate source of breakthrough, useful information like this site is. It’s just two fat, angry guys who have been told they’re funny for too long not to feel the need to squirt jokes all over your face. We’re not reporters or members of the media; we’re bloggers. And we’re probably assholes, but it’s all part of a larger joke to both of us. Anyway..we don’t worry about facts, so “news” aside – it’s actually a bit of a relief to me to see a citizenry (take notes, Americans) refusing to lie down and take it up whatever their most painful insertion hole may be, respectively. Revolution is the reason literally everybody reading this is alive and “free”. Have we forgotten that? Yeah, I guess it was a long time ago.

Nothing on this planet is intended to remain static forever. Things have to evolve. Whether or not you think monkeys do, can we agree that Beastie Boys’ music did? Or our chosen modes of transportation? Things change; it’s one of the only absolute truths on Earth. We’ve got to adapt. You can only keep poking that angry possum for so long before you’ve got a dick full of rabies. Is that a terrible analogy, or just bad hyperbole? Oh well. Look, it’s goddamn time to start respecting each other as humans. When the motherships come, guess who’s gonna want a ride to safety in your Accord? That’s right: ALL OF HUMANITY. So love your neighbor. All the time. Even when she’s asleep. Yeah, like I told her to sleep in only a tank top and those boy-short/panty things. Holy SHIT!

This is becoming a rant – so basically, we stand in solidarity for our Egyptian blogging brothers. That’s probably the craziest part I’ve heard: The idea of a government “turning off” the internet should make every sphincter reading this contract by at least 75%. How would your day go without ANY news or status updates or RSS feeds or amateur porn apps? Or, you know, being able to use your phone to find out which buildings on which Cairo streets are currently exploding. Pretty fucking lousy, I know. Me too. Get it together, Earth.

- C&J

Captions Are Easy

Except when they’re not! What the fuck, Japan!?

Unknown Holiday Facts!

Fact: 78% of children will be terrified by this picture and/or concept. Sorry, but the numbers don’t lie.

Captions Are Easy

In Japan, denim engineers have made finding a girl’s cooter quicker and more efficient. Domo ari-fucking-gato.

Why We Love Mexicans

Elsa Benitez. That’s it. See you soon, kids..

 

Captions Are Easy!

We were going to make some hilarious joke about a fat woman being a whale, or some fat celebrity (us) riding down to save all sea creatures from an oil soaked death, but we’re tired. Tired of the heat. Tired of hot broads hitting on us. Tired of burning piles of money for enjoyment. So now it’s your turn. Leave captions as comments. Or don’t.

Now we’re off to bang hot ladies on piles of ash that once used to be money. It’s an even more erotic version of that scene in 101 Dalmatians.

- C&J